I am so sorry you are slogging through the hell of yet another recurrence. What most people don't know is that 50% of us who have our first episode will have a recurrance, with an even higher likelihood for the next. It's not some fluke. It is the illness. The. sickness, as you described it so well__

I am certain that people would not say such stupid cruel things if they really, really took the effort to understand the rabid suffering that we endure.

When the anxiety co-occurs with the depression, it is hard to sustain, or even want to.

I used to respond by pushing so hard, and now I try to "coast." I don't do a great job of it, but I don't have all the responsibility that you still do, so it is easier to try.

The gold standard for me is ECT, with side effect laden meds. Psychotherapy doesn't cure the depression, but it helps me bear it, to bolster my courage which evaporates so quickly.

A few tidbits-- You powerfully conveyed the burdens and the many issues that go with depression. No one writes about recurrence and you did, even feeling so bad. The one thing I have learned over the years is that if we are writers, then when we get knocked down, our gifts of language go underground to hide out until it's "safe."

Just from reading your piece, my guess is that this is the case with you. You will come back. Your words are still strong, but like the rest of you, they need a rest. You are fighting a monster. One of the most awful, but frequent pieces of advice, I still get is "Writing is therapy" as if I'd sort things out if I put pen to paper. Voiced by people who know nothing about writing or therapy

. All day I've had this poem in my head by Wendell Berry "To know the dark"

To know the dark, go dark,

go without sight

And find the darkness blooms and sings

And is traveled by dark feet and dark wings."

I wish that darkness will bloom. quickly for you. Thank you for your wonderful piece. martha