How My Book TourTook a Nose Dive

Triumph!

The first day of my book tour went well. I was at a small airport headed home to my husband and daughter. The line for boarding was slow, so I ducked into the bathroom. On my way out, I stopped to admire what was left of the professional make-up job I’d had that morning. As I got back in line, I noticed people nodding and smiling at me. “My book must be hot!” I congratulated myself. “ I can’t believe “Good Morning Charleston” is so popular.” But then I began to notice that people weren’t exactly smiling at me. They were stepping back and wincing in amusement and empathy.

“I’ve Had Nightmares About This”!

Finally, a woman tapped me on the shoulder, and in a large whisper asked, “Do you know that your dress and slip are stuck into your panti-hose? Before asking if she could help, she mounted an all-out assault on my underwear. She jammed her hand down my incredibly tight Spanx and rooted around in there like she was searching for lost change. In the process she gave me a huge “wedgie,” and then shook her head, painfully dislodged her hand and walked away. It was clearly pre-flight entertainment for the weary travelers.

In these kinds of moments, I pray for a crack in the atmosphere, just enough for me to instantly disappear. But there was no exit. No time for a return bathroom trip. I just had to pull the right things up or down and then put my coat on over the whole mess. How I was going sit down with my underwear stuck in my crack, was beyond me.

The Unfriendly Skies

The tiny, somewhat frayed plane had a tiny aisle, so there was no hiding myself from my fellow passengers.

I wondered if it was actually possible to die of embarrassment.

My seat was next to an elderly Asian woman who spoke no English. Her terror was obvious in the finger imprints she left on the arm cushion. Once we were in line for take-off, “Captain Todd” announced in his genetically programmed pilot voice, “Folks, the weather is a little overcast, but we’ll have you to D.C. on time.” Then “Tammy,” the sole flight attendant, whose expression never changed, gave a rundown of the many “safety features” to use in the case of disaster. My favorite was always how our pathetic seat cushions could be used as “flotation devices” in the case of a water landing. Yeah right.

Then Tammy came to the most important information- snack and beverage service. She proudly announced that she would only be handing out “complementary water,” which drew groans from three-quarters of the passengers.

The Master of Understatement

Twenty minutes into the flight, my complementary water began to quake in my cup. “Folks,” Captain Todd broke in, “we’re experiencing some mild turbulence.” Those two words should never go together.

“But just hang in there with us and we’ll be back on course in a “jiffy.” Jiffy is one of those squishy words that mean nothing, especially when you’re in a plane that is becoming increasingly unstable.

With darker skies and a series of drops, we all knew the situation was much darker than Captain Todd had led us to believe. Some passengers began to quietly freak out, asking frightened questions to no one in particular.

The plane dropped abruptly. Items flew from the overhead bins. The woman next to me gripped my arm and shouted in what I thought was Korean. “Folks,” said a more ruffled Captain Todd, “Tammy will becoming around to give you any help you might need.” From the looks of it, Tammy had no intention of moving from her secure little jump seat in the front.

Suddenly the dingy yellow oxygen masks dropped down, and it became immediately clear that no one had ever really paid attention to the directions. The plane lurched up and down. Our heads hit the ceiling. I remember thinking I couldn’t feel my ass.

Barf Bags

With strike precision, the lady next to me started to vomit. It was Exorcist vomiting, explosive and surprising from such a small woman. Now, no words were necessary. Vomiting is a universal language. When I reached into the seat back, I found that the barf bags were obviously made to scale for the small plane. They were more like sandwich bags with little fasteners. I filled hers and then filled mine. There was nowhere to put anything, so I stuffed them in my coat pocket. I reached across the aisle and got more bags which I filled and stashed.

We Are All Going To Die!…Well, Maybe Not…

People started cursing and praying out loud. We were toast. It went on for several interminable minutes. But suddenly, the plane righted itself. Captain Todd came on, “Folks, sorry for the discomfort…” DISCOMFORT? A few people looked ready to knock Tammy over and storm the cockpit. “It doesn’t look like we’ll be making it to Washington tonight, so we’ll be landing somewhere in Delaware, putting you up in a motel, and then getting you on the first flight out tomorrow.” “Yeah,” I thought, “Like that’s gonna happen.” “Our landing may be a bit bumpy, so I’m going to ask Tammy to demonstrate the proper landing position.” To many people, this is the “bend over and kiss your ass goodbye” stance.

We came in on what felt like cornstalks. Exhausted and dazed in the chilly night air, we searched through our luggage. The screamers looked a bit chagrined. I was covered in vomit and couldn’t stand up straight. The airline officials led us to a cinderblock building that looked more like a detention center than a motel. All of a sudden the food and drinks flowed freely.

There was this one guy.

There was this guy… There was always this one guy when alcohol is being served. He had to be on his fifth miniature. “Hey…” he pointed to me. “You’re the lady who…” he slurred, guffawed, and pointed to my ruffled clothes. And then, it all just hit me. The beginnings of a beautiful book tour, a stranger’s hand down my pants, my proximity to death, my brand new clothes covered in vomit… He came way too close to me. “Not now, Buddy,” I thought, as I reached into my coat pockets, and grabbed their contents. I held them up right in front of him and snarled, “Stop right there, Asshole!

“ I’ve got a load of vomit in my hands. AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!”