A Memo to Secretary Pete“Hedgehog”

From your 800 “Superiors” who had to endure your idiocy and disrespect this week

Photo by Paulette Wooten on Unsplash

Dear Pete,

Earlier this week, you told us to drop all the insignificant things we were doing, like protecting the country and supporting the Constitution. We were required to pack quickly and make our way to Virginia, no matter the distance.

Any thinking person, and unlike you, we are all thinking persons, would have assumed a reason of great import. But the minute you appeared on stage and had the audacity to open your mouth, we knew we should have stopped by MacDonald’s on the way and snarfed down a few thousand calories to get us through.

You seem to have forgotten that in the big picture, each and every one of us (even the women and people of color, especially the women of color) truly outrank you. Some fool liked how you looked on TV and gave you a fancy title. You probably can’t make it around one ring of the Pentagon without directions and a drink. Even the fattest, hairiest general shames you in their mastery of basic miliary excellence, decorum and discipline.

You and your fat, hair-on-flames boss gave so much offence, that we find it a matter of honor to school, at least you. Your wide-ranging violations, not only included military matters…